What’s the difference between a liberal and a liberal douche? Our Buzzfeed listicle sums it up, but if you want more substance, keep reading. A liberal douche shoves his or her liberalness in your face every chance he or she gets. For example, if you drive a Prius, you don’t even need to do anything else – you’re a liberal douche. If you think Bernie Sanders would make a good president, again, what can I say? You’re a liberal douche.
I’m liberal. But, I’m not liberal douche liberal. After consulting my liberal friends (including one pansexual) and my three right-wing friends, I’ve created a scientifically accurate test with 98.4% certainty to determine if you’re a liberal douche and need a profile on LiberalDouche.com.
If you answer “yes” to at least eight of the following questions, you’re a liberal douche. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
1. When discussing grocery shopping, do you casually mention that you shop at a co-op?
2. Do you like anything about Al Sharpton?
3. Have you ever thought about going to a “die-in”, but just hashtagged #Ferguson in a few tweets instead?
4. Do you brag about how often you listen to NPR?
5. Do you hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck even though you think she’s hot?
6. Have you voluntarily watched more than one Michael Moore movie?
7. Do you consider MSNBC an unbiased news network?
8. Do you shop at Target, but not Walmart?
9. Have you ever asked a server how beef, chicken or poultry is sourced?
10. Have you eaten any kale (on purpose) in the last three months?
11. Do you have a Co-Exist bumper sticker on your car?
12. Do you use “sustainable” in conversation more than three times a week?
13. Do you talk about the non-profit you one day hope to start, but don’t want to give up the corporate job you “hate” because you love the money?
Now that liberaldouche.com is available for registration again, one of you liberals need to buy it before one of them does. Don’t let anyone who thinks Sean Hannity is a journalist define your liberal douchieness. If conservatives get hold of this domain, they will swiftboat all of you. It’ll be like Nixon’s enemies list, except it’ll be in the form of a website, with your picture and your liberal douche score. They’ll get it all by stalking you on social media. They’ll start with the people who aren’t in church on Sunday’s. Then it’ll be the people who live on the coasts. Then it’ll be people who have gay friends. They’ll find you.
How serious are these people? Well, they’ve already created a theme song (and music video) for the site, entitled (not surprisingly) Liberal Douche:
So, come on liberals, get on this. Buy liberaldouche.com before some guy with a pocket Bible and a conceal-and-carry permit gets it first. Don’t let them define you (ask John Kerry about that). You celebrate your liberal douchieness and create a niche social network where you guys can post #___livesmatter to your heart’s content. Where you can openly be a Janeane Garofalo fan without getting some meme posted as a comment on your feed. Where you can use “herstory” instead of history whenever you want.
You know who you are. Own it.
P.S., I am not a liberal douche as I only scored a 5 out of 13.