Well, the website doesn’t exist yet, but the domain name BeerDouches.com is available. Plus, it’s versatile and brandable. And, it’s a category killer in the ever growing douchebag market. The no brainer use for this domain is a site (and corresponding app) that warns you when a craft beer douchebag may be near you at your local brew pub / gastro pub / place with a million local beers on tap. Nothing worse than getting beer shamed while simply trying to get a cold one.
Yeah, maybe Stella Artois isn’t the greatest beer ever, but if I’m next to you ordering it, I don’t need a lesson on yeast and hops. Maybe I’m just ordering the first thing I see because I want to get away from your Unibomber beard and that knit beanie you bought at Hollister (but want to pretend you bought at someplace that sells sustainable cotton, viscose and nylon blends). If BeerDouches.com was up and running, hopefully someone would have already registered your phone number on the site, so the GPS signal could identify where you are in the bar and I could just move to another open spot to order in peace.
Of course, there are many other uses for a domain like BeerDouches.com. If by chance the folks at Monistat or Summer’s Eve are working on a new beer related, feminine hygiene product, the lucky buyer of this now available domain name could become the Ultimate Douche – an undeserving slug who comes into a pile of money.
When I first saw that BeerDouches.com was about to drop, I didn’t immediately think of a beer douche spotting app. I first pictured these guys
sitting around a frat house, wasted, having this conversation:
Green Shirt: “Dude, wouldn’t it be fucked up if chicks douched with beer?”
Pink Shirt: “I’d go down on my girl if she did that.”
Green Shirt: “Toats…We should totally start a company that makes beer douches and then sell it to like, some way fuckin’ bigger company. Then get PAID like those two fuckin’ twins from The Social Network.”
But after some research, I learned that a real beer douche isn’t a frat guy who actually believes women might someday use a beer-based feminine hygiene product. A beer douche is actually someone who acts like a douche with their faux-knowledge of beer, as so eloquently described in FugglyBrew.com‘s excellent article 5 Types of Craft Beer Hipster Douchebag. Even major publications like Esquire have written about beer-douchery. A must read is Aaron Goldfarb’s Esquire article The Most Mockable Things Beer Snobs Do . Hence, the site and accompanying app idea was born.
Ladies, don’t think all the good social commentary about beer douches comes from men. In fact, self-admitted, former beer douche, Laura VandeZande, gives plenty of examples of beer-douchery in How To Not Drink Like a Douchebag:
Here is another thing that makes one look douchey: Often people will go to a brewery to enjoy a beer, but in order to exhibit knowledge in the area of beer, they criticize what they are drinking. These people likely have a list of criticisms they study at night before bed so they can make comments about the acidity, choice in hops, malt profile, or session quality.
So, if you like making fun of hipsters (who comprise a high percentage of beer douches), you might want to grab BeerDouches.com at Godaddy.com (or the registrar of your choice) before someone else does.
P.S. I only order Stella in emergencies. My favorite craft beer is Lift Bridge Farm Girl Saison.