When I saw that JewsCanJump.com had just dropped and was now available for purchase again, I did what everyone else does in these situations — I asked Google if Jews could really jump,because if Jews jumping is a thing, maybe this name has some value. As you can see, Google doesn’t think Jews can jump.
Actually, Google, you couldn’t be more wrong. The most important and bad-ass jumping any Jew was when 764 of them jumped from the trains taking them to the Holocaust death camps.
Hopefully, I haven’t created a lightheartedness vacuum for the rest of this post, but I thought that recognizing those 764 people was worth the risk.
Now, when it comes to just you’re everyday Jew jumping, despite what Google says, some of us can way more than jump. Some of us can flat out dunk. Check out the first Israeli to ever play in the NBA, Omri Casspi, manhandling some poor schlub on this alley-oop jam:
The guy who got dunked on by a Jew is still getting shit for it.
So, you’re probably thinking, “Big deal. One Jew in the NBA can dunk. La Dee Fuckin’ Da.” Fine. How about a kid at the obviously all-Jewish Valley Torah High School, Aaron Liberman? This kid is dunking in a game, while wearing a yarmulke. That’s like balancing a plate on your head while Running with the Bulls in Pamplona. Check Aaron out:
Of course, JewsCanJump.com doesn’t only apply to Jews who can dunk a basketball. It’s hard to find videos of Jews who can jump that high. It’s much easier to find video of Jews who can jump a few inches like the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem. (Yes, sometimes this stuff just writes itself):
But, after these jumping Jews, it gets sparse on the old web. There is so little on the Internet showing Jews jumping, that by page three on Google, the most relevant thing offered up by the search engine giant trying to persuade you that you meant “can’t” not “can” in your search query, is a “Jews Can Play Minecraft video:
I have a 12 year-old nephew who is crack-like addicted to Minecraft and has 3,000+ Instagram followers who seem to care what he does on it. He and his Jewish Day School buddies play daily. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. Plus, JewsCanPlayMinecraft.com is available for registration. But, I digress.
If you need a Hanukkah gift for the Jew on your list who can at least jump when the song Shout is played at a wedding or bar (or bat) mitzvah, pick up JewsCanJump.com at Godaddy or another domain registrar of your choice.