Hashtag.com – Resume Buzzwords Meet Cellphones and Chivalry

A Facebook friend of mine recently lost his mind when his college statistics professor referred to a pound-sign (#) as a hashtag (also #).
Now, I don’t need that kind of willful lack of perspective in my life #tyvm, but I just had to wiki ‘hashtag.’ What started as an innocent attempt to discover the origin of a word quickly devolved into a meme drenched frenzy, until I ended up at Hashtag.com.

What is it? Where did it come from? Why are freshly coiffed young people checking their phones in heraldic tunics with #sparklepony on standby? I quickly dispatched our research team to get to the bottom of this internet mystery. Here are our top 5 theories about the nature of this #fabulous web enigma.

1. LinkedIn’s daring new venture in #ambiguity.

LinkedIn, capitalizing on its already stellar reputation for #networking websites that may or may not be worth your time, is rolling out its new #ChatRoulette inspired career site, in which under-qualified recent graduates are given 30 seconds to prove to prospective employers that, yes, their Master of Theatrical Arts degree totally qualifies them to work your corporation’s front desk – with style, panache and jazz hands. The #buzzword drenched title and info pop-up both indicate that you can build your resume, start an incredible career, save the world and get #kewl prizes while doing so! If that doesn’t get your 25-year-old #Millennial off the couch and out of your basement, nothing will!

2. Tinder for the Royal Family

What did centuries of #inbreeding and 1st cousin marriages teach the royal family? #TOTALLYAWESOME. Sure, their eyes are all creepily close together, but damned if it didn’t manage to net Kate Middleton; maybe the hottest thing to happen to royalty since The Tudors was still a thing. In this day and age it can be hard for young Royals-on-the-go to find nearby relatives with similar preferences for unearned respect and fame. Everything else on the site? #smokescreen

3. Dog meme creator’s much win, many impressive project.

iiwln

4. Out of touch yet brazenly over-confident and condescending Boomer website.

This site has deployed the same philosophy Boomers apply to their career: Resumes peppered with buzzwords and jargon. Interview answers like something from a #cocaine fuelled cliché parrot and a decades long track record of lackluster performance kept alive only through bluster and entitlement. (#rant) And it’s gonna be bigger than Facebook and YouTube combined – because they don’t know what those are. Platitude driven hardline sales techniques are a proven, efficient, next-gen, award-winning, most advanced in the field way to get people to buy into your product without even knowing #wtf your selling, and Hashtag.com has managed to distill that down to its please-god-just-retire-already essence.

5. Something Mom will instantly give her email to, no questions asked.

Alliances? Triumphs? A Royal freakin invite?! Heck yeah, Mom wants some of that! The same person who was afraid of the ATM 8 years ago (true story…) is now gleefully charging full steam ahead into a #smutstorm of unwanted penis growth related emails; and you’re going to be the first person she calls in a panic.

Change her email? Hell no she-will-not! She’s very attached to bestmomever[date you were born]@yahoo.com. You need to fix it. You never call anyway so she’s not surprised you haven’t done it yet. And why haven’t you visited like you said you would?! And what are you doing Christmas? She’s making your favorite!

At least some good will come of it – apparently the prince of a small African nation needs her, and her alone, to get his money into/out of the country. All he needs is her bank account number, password and maiden name. But no, he’s legit, Mom assures you.

She saw his #LinkedIn profile.

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