We here at DomainRoast have very exciting news for any and all flannel aficionados in their mid-20s. Its time to tap into that endless piggybank called crushing debt and snap up HipsterDoucheCafe.com!
Despite having the $4 coffee, the fair trade organic batch roasted humane vegan beans and a barista whose primary concern is waxing his ‘stache’, some cafés just don’t exude that special judgmental feeling. You need a safe place, where you can look unique, creative, edgy – all while conforming to an irritating trend in every conceivable way. Yes, you’ll look back on these days and cringe the way your parents do about bell-bottoms and feathered hair, but for now you’re gorgeous!
One key element of a good Hipster-Douche café, besides Foster the People playing on loop, is the demographic. Imagine it, you spot some cute… Guy? Maybe? They all look the same, so who cares! And they’re typing away at what you can only assume to be their one-act screenplay about the Lusitania, or their blog about pants so tight you need to peel them off with a wallpaper steamer. You surreptitiously sneak a look at their Macbook and… OH NO!!! What is that, code?! Your head spins, the dream dies, and you sip your skim vanilla latte with shaking hands. After all, working is SO mainstream. Maybe if they had just sold, like, chewed up pencils on Etsy.com or something – but computer code? What a tool right? (#irony)
Hence the need for HipsterDoucheCafe.com, where you can find that perfect “coffee shoppe” built into an old grain silo on the edge of reclaimed industrial farmland. The ideal meeting place where people can listen to their little known 80’s garage ambiance folk in peace, safe in the knowledge that they’re so cool that the coolness has inverted in on itself and formed some kind of gravitational space anomaly. A place where people of a singular walk of life can hold up their iPhone, position it just right, apply the perfect filter, and know that everybody can see just how amazingly ‘unique’ they are while they take their 900th selfie for the week, with their art degree in the background.