If you see a white Hummer limo with a giant tribal tattoo design stenciled across it, parked outside a Las Vegas hotel, there is a 100% chance that (a) 10-12 douchbags are inside, (b) a vast majority of them wearing Affliction t-shirts, and (c) at least one of the guys inside is named Trent, Trevor, Brody or Chad.
The inspiration for this post was not this amazing picture I snapped myself in Vegas last weekend (not one iStock credit had to be sacrificed), it was that DoucheBagBoys.com wasn’t renewed and became available again for registration. Sadly, the minute I saw the limo, the first thing that came to my mind was, “I now have the perfect picture for the douchebagboys.com post.”
Vegas is a literal all-you-can-eat buffet of douche bags wearing the tightest Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Abercrombie & Fitch clothing available. Toss in the European douchebags strutting around Vegas with their Ferrari gear and Dolce & Gabbana jeans and your mind can start playing tricks on you. Maybe the one not dressing like a douchebag is the real douchebag. It dawned on me that maybe these douchebags saw me as a 40-something David Duchovny wannbe in my black t-shirt and nice, but forgettable jeans. Or, maybe they didn’t notice me at all. After all, I wasn’t hitting on women I could only get if I paid for it. Nor was I high-fiving my bros while two-fisting it with a Jack and Coke in each hand.
Honestly, I admire a guy who looks ripped in an Affliction t-shirt, even if that guy is near my age. It’s the soul patches that push me over the edge. Anyway, I digress. Back to douchebags.
Women seem to like douchebags. They say they don’t, but so often they go for them. A douchebag is today’s bad boy, without any of the cool stuff like having a motorcycle or looking bad ass smoking a cigarette. You can thank social media for making today’s douchebag much lazier than old-school douchebags. All you really have to do now is:
1. Take a lot of selfies
2. Make a “sideways peace sign” in those selfies or other photos (full disclosure, I only did this once when I took a picture with Snoop Dog and I didn’t know what else to do)
3. Be all about fake boobs
4. Give yourself a nickname (e.g. “The Situation”)
5. Have peaked in high school (even old-school douches had to do this)
6. Lift way too many weights
7. Brag about how rich you are (real rich people don’t ever do that)
8. Refer to all Hispanic people as Mexicans
9. Talk about how we have to take back our country from free loaders, while trying to get your girlfriend to loan you money.
10. Telling that same girlfriend that even though you are rich, you aren’t liquid “right now”.
Or, just be this guy: